Do you need medical assistance?

Back in April of 2000, I had just completed the Field Training Program, I was on my own for the first time, and other Deputies had pushed me to make my first vehicle stop on my own without having a FTO looking over my shoulders.  I was working the graveyard shift, back when it was still 8 hour shifts, and it was probably close to midnight. 

So I was driving down this dirt levee road, an area which is frequented with people stopping to use drugs, dump stolen cars, and having sex.  The area was clear, no cars around, and then I see the faint glare from some red and yellow reflectors. 

I think to myself, "Ah, a car, finally!"  I'm a rookie, so all I am thinking about is getting that good felony hook, hoping that it will turn into a drug arrest.  As I pull up to the vehicle, I notice that is a small white compact 2 door vehicle, possibly a Volvo.  The rear window is fogged up, indicating that someone or some people were inside it.  I activate my spotlight and illuminated the vehicle to get a better look, since it was really dark and I couldn't barely see inside the vehicle.

As I walk up to the vehicle, I shined my flashlight into the vehicle's rear passenger window.  The window was so fogged up that I still couldn't see anything inside.  I didn't see any indication of movement, nor do I see any silhouette of a person.  So I take the next step and knock on the window.  That started a reaction, almost like a volcanic eruption!!

After knocking on the window, the car starts to rock back and forth, I still can't see anything inside the vehicle. Then all of a sudden I see this huge ass pressed against the back side window.  Each ass cheek was about the size of 2 human heads put together.  What ever was inside was laying down naked in the back seat and it was big.  I can hear the front passenger seat being pushed forword, and then the driver side window rolls down.  Its a woman, extremely big, and naked!!

My eyes were big, I was in a state of shock, I had never seen anyone having sex in a vehicle before, and I wasn't sure how to react.  I kept to the script and asked the lady to let me see her identification.  She steps out of the vehicle to get inside the front seat, still naked mind you!  How she squeezed out of the backseat to get up front amazed me to this day, I can only guess that she was prelubricated.  I take a glance into the back seat, and I see this tiny tiny short man laying on his back, and he seemed a little pale.  I couldn't help but ask him if he was alright and if needed medical attention, with a slight chuckle added.  The man responded in a moanful manner, that he was alright, just a little out of breath from all the workout he was having.

I held my laughter in as best that I could, and told the couple to please take there activity else where. I then proceeded to promptly walk back to my car.  As I sat in my car for awhile I had this uncontrollable laughter and just could not stop laughing.  All I could think about was that poor man, he was being tortured in my eyes, but obviously he was enjoying it very much.  Now that my eyes had been burned out of their sockets and was no longer a virgin to such sights, I couldn't help to think to myself, "What else will I find in the middle of nowhere!"

I hope you enjoyed this story, as it's one of my favorites that I like to share with people from the time after I had completed the FTO program with my department.   As soon as I have time I will write and share more funny and weird on the job stories.